neverlastingdream //

Do you care? Do you care? Do you care?

I feel like shouting that question at you, but I’m honestly afraid of the answers.

Being alone everyday is not fun.

Listening to sad music is not fun.

Walking in the cold with freezing ears is not fun.

I hate myself sometimes.

I love attention, but I hate bothering people about it, so I just sulk by myself and never leave the cocoon.

I love music, and that last tracklist has the feeling of, “love me, I’m right here.”

Sometimes, I think I’m just the most horrible person on Earth. I’m the weakest, the most childish, the stupidest and the boringest. I don’t do work, I don’t go out. I rarely take risks and I don’t chase my dreams.

Why do I have to be like the way I am? I hate myself sometimes. The inability to not do things the way I want.

I care about other people’s opinions too much.

I don’t want to blame it on my mom, because she has sacrificed so much for me.

But I remember back when I was really really young in China, that whenever there was a field trip to somewhere, like the zoo or like a museum or some sort, I’d always ask if I could go, and she’d always tell me to ask my friends if they were going.

At the time, at least once, I remember thinking, what does it matter if they go or not. I asked her this once, and she said she didn’t want me to be lonely.

I understood. I still understand. But I think this was why I care too much about other people’s opinions. I think some time along the way I just got used to it, and now I’m questioning myself about it. Like I’ve forgotten that quesiton, “What does it matter what they think?”

The first time I came upon this problem and answer, I told myself almost immediately that I wasn’t going to blame my mom about how I turned out. I said to myself, “she doesn’t deserve that.”

I asked someone if I was unreasonably selfless. She said no.

I guess maybe I’m not. But a part of me truly thinks maybe I am. However, that could just be my selfishness and ego talking.

I tell people I miss her. I think someone said, “then go see her.”

I said to that person, “she’s probably busy.”

“You never know if you try.”

I sent her a note, I don’t even know if she received it or not.

I asked her and went to see a movie last year with her. I’m a bad friend and did not realize that there was a big thriller aspect to the movie, so she was a bit scared.

If you care, you would comment. If you comment, say something worthwhile. If you comment, you know how much it hurts.

Or, you could ignore me. That might work too. And let me work this out myself.