neverlastingdream //

Two of my friends have somewhat stopped updating their blogs. Though this is completely their own decision due to mountainous schoolwork, I feel kind of lonely. Most of the time, I feel like blogs are my only connection to people. I haven’t heard about what and how they’re doing, and I’m somewhat 不安 (worried). In reality, I don’t know what I can do for them…

“你可能是我一生中最想保护的人。”

I once said words aren’t forever.. Though it never has been, I still feel useless. I don’t know anything.

“You can‘t expect them to come all the way, you have to meet them halfway.”

Jason tells me to call him whenever. Whenever is kind of a vague term. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to talk to him, and I know for certain that there are things I can’t tell or talk about with other people. I often don’t know where our conversations go, sometimes it’s really fun, other times I feel depressed and pressured to say things I don’t know if I mean.

I’ve been avoiding Anne. Mainly because I don’t want to talk about the same things as she does. Marks for finals/mid-year exams are out and I don’t want to check them because I know it’ll be ugly and bloody (don’t take this seriously). I am avoiding the subject because I don’t want to admit what a failure I am.

I don’t know how I’m gonna make it alive and back to school in one piece.

Changing the subject…

Singing. “A job is a job is a job,” Maggie says this whenever I ask her about her job, part-time or full-time. This almost led me to think about the quote, “A dream is a dream is a dream.” Maybe it’s not meant to be. (Why do I sound like I’m talking about my boyfriend, which I don’t have??) Maybe I’m just not meant to pursue it. All my life, I’ve been debating, should I do it? I shouldn’t right? In the naked truth, I know I can. In all honesty, there is only a slight slight slight slight slight slight slight possibility that that could happen. A friend of my mom’s once said that if I got packaged in Taiwan, I could make it. It was the first time I had ever considered going to Taiwan to debut; it’s kind of weird because since then, I’ve entertained the idea of going to Japan to debut. This is all really far-fetched. It really is. Everytime I start thinking about it, I have a headache (though, that’s probably due to lack of sleep). Should I completely give it up? I don’t think it’ll work. I’ve lived my life for 19 years now and it is absolutely the one thing so far that I know I love doing. My memory is very fuzzy cause I haven’t even finished that movie but more because it was more than 4 years ago, when I first started to watch Mr. Holland’s Opus back in grade 9 music class, when Mr. Holland asked one of his female students what she wanted to do, and she said, “I want to sing.” It hit me then, the 13 year old me knew that, if I was her and was asked that same question sincerely, I would say exactly the same thing. I still would. And most of the time I have. I’ve had this debate with Jason and Pei. Jason probably earns the most number of times featured on a quote post if I ever make one. He said, “There are two types of people in this world. There are those who’s ability give them interest, and there are those who’s interest gives them ability.” Awhile later he said, “自分も信じるなぁ！俺を信じろう！おまえの信じる俺を信じろう！” Which roughly translates to, “Don’t believe in yourself! Believe in me, believe in the me that believes in you.” I still don’t know what I should do about this. Here are some statistics:

The folder of all the recordings add up to a total of ~5.0 gigs, possibly and most probably more than that. It’s 5.4 gigs, but I think we should subtract the stuff I recorded for fun without people knowing. And there are at least 40 different songs (recordings) saved on my computer. I think the ones I spent the most time on on is Ultra Music Power and Fa Ru Xue. For Fa Ru Xue, I spend endless hours try to get a perfect recording because I kind of wanted to prove to Marina that I was good at what I loved to do (also cause I wanted her to think I’m a really cool person), in the end, I couldn’t get a better recording than the one I made on July 21st. I saved the two so-so recordings after the one on July 21st, but I just gave up saving the so-so ones later on. I kind of regret it now because I would at least have something to show for the amount of work I put into it. Maybe that’s why I saved almost every bit of work for Ultra Music Power. I have the aud’s and the mp3’s. Even now I haven’t deleted the earlier versions; I hate throwing away things. After Fa Ru Xue and Ultra Music Power, I think the next recording that I have spent a lot of time and thought on is Love is All I Need and Only Human. I think, I will never get a perfect recording, it’s just the light at the end of the tunnel that I will never see, never reach..

Truth? I actually being in a couple. I miss kisses. It is the most wonderful-est thing to do as a couple. Sex? Nah, “sex is boring…” xDD No, I don’t really know about it. Yeah I can see why it’s so great… But I’m good with kisses…

I want to write a original one shot fanfiction. Just so I don’t waste my vacation away. Grrr, I’m not much of a writer however…

I had a dream about Okamoto Keito last night. Don’t remember it much anymore.

I’m in love with this song. It’s one of the most saddest love songs.

We bought a Christmas CD from fye today. It was $2.99 and it’s quite crappy in terms of the sound quality of the music. Really makes you think how great the $21.99 is nee?

I’m gonna rant about Yamada Taro Monogatari after I finish it.

We went to grocery shopping today. We bought a shittruckload of stuff. Including dills, honeydew, strawberries, cucumbers, sigua, apples, coconut, cilantro, green beans, and much more. Why do I feel like I’m writing an advertisement for a brand new grocery store..??

I think this is all. I’m not sure if I wrote down everything I wanted to say or everything that I wanted you to know. Sometime in the future I think I will stop updating for a while too, because there will come a time when I won’t know what to say anymore. There will come a time when writing things down isn’t enough anymore. There will come a time when I will seriously become a hikikomori (watch Welcome to NHK) and not have any human communications. I feel like that’s where I’m heading towards. (Please don’t take this too seriously.)

I seriously wanted to password-protect this post. It’s too bare and pure? Heh, dunno. At least I feel it’s real. I wrote it listening to one of the saddest love songs I’ve ever heard…

Translation:

Someday, I wonder if the sadness will change in my memories.
I don’t even want to lose the pieces of pain…

This entry was posted on Friday, December 21st, 2007 at 4:51 am and is filed under Life, Translation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.