neverlastingdream //

I told myself that I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn’t fall again. At least not for a few years…

And I broke that promise. Too soon.

I’m going to eat dinner with him and Honey Baby Sweety Darling tomorrow. Nothing will happen, I’m sure of it.

I like the atmosphere between the two of us, awkward but very precious and fragile, like a piece of porcelain dancing in the air.

I just want to be with him, I’ll be content then.

I looked at her eyes, eyes that radiated helplessness and light. Dark-brown eyes that I had gotten used to seeing much of these days. I couldn’t answer any of her questions; I didn’t think they helped.

I could not help her, a part of me wanted to so much but I can’t. Tried so hard day after day, time after time, but I still couldn’t help her make a decision. Who to choose? What to do? What to say? I could not answer her cries of help more correctly than my physics homework. As I held her hand, her tears brimming on the edge of her eyes, I said, ‘Don’t cry. There is so much love for you.‘

A few days later, on a notepad were these words, “YOU’RE SO STUPID!! Who on Earth loves you more than me??”

I had to smile. I was only slightly jealous, but I knew it was not my place. Their love was so much more than I can understand then, and all that was important to me, was that I wasn’t stuck in a divisive operation anymore..

~~~

The sun was setting. The shape of her body leaning on the desk was getting darker by the minute. The conversation was stuck; I listened to the silence. Neither of us knew what to say.

This is not called conversing, she said. I’m only talking and not getting any replies. Say something!

I stared, afraid of saying anything. She has a bad temper and I hate it when she was mad. I continued staring, and time stood still even longer.. As I fumbled with my fingers, I glanced at the computer, and let time pass..

Nevermind, talking to you is useless. She said suddenly and left the room.

You didn’t have to say it, I already know it’s true.

“I love you.”

~~~

There is something entriguing about her words, phrases and the way she uses emoticons and whatnot. Things like this makes me feel over-protective of her.

Memories of her are hazy, and all that I can remember is an over-excited little kid exclaiming ideas for titles we could show… I don’t remember much, but I’m sure she was there.

She also showed me a Naruto headband. I think I had a look of excitement and surprise. It was something I don’t see everyday…

I bumped into her one day in the halls, near the beginning of the school year. I remember asking, “I’m sorry, but I can’t remember your name…” I felt embarrassed, because I should’ve remembered her name.. However, I was surprised that she told me her name without getting angry. Now that I think about it, she keeps many too things inside, never telling people exactly what she thinks of things… I wonder what goes on in her head. I want to know the things she wants and things she loves and things she cares about and things she … It goes on…

I feel that this friendship was a spur of the moment thing. One day we suddently started talking and it has never stopped. I want her to know that I care about her and that some things I do aren’t intentional.. There aren’t many people I consider as jewels, but like some of her favourite singers, she is one of the kind.

~~~

I had a huge wave of sadness. I had no idea why. I began typing.

Life is like a boat was the name and somehow I had thought that the song was what I felt like. In reality, it made me feel even worse…

She lay on the bed, and told me a name. I looked towards her figure, this was a topic interesting enough to distract me from the monitor. I liked the look on her face. I tell people that I like it when people talk to me about love. I like seeing the flushed look on their faces. This was one of those times. I smiled… I don’t remember anymore of that moment.

你可能是我一生中最想保护的人。但是，我知道我不是最担心你的人。请告诉我，你会对谁说“我爱你”呢？

I wonder, if the fact that I had been able to say that, was a good thing or a bad thing.

We’ve drifted apart alot since then, and a part of me feels guilty for not stopping it. There is so much love and respect for her. She is one of the most loved people I’ve met. I wish her happiness. Truly. Though, I can only wish.

Maybe some day, she’ll be able to read the sentences from faraway.

“I love you.”

~~~

Lily, do you love me?

It was sudden. It caught me of guard. Yes, I do love you.

No, I didn’t say that.

To an extent. I said.

Based on our history and what we went though, I felt that things had to be clear. I explained exactly what I said before to someone else when I talked about him to her.

I said, have you seen the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding?

He hasn’t.

I said, I love you to the point that I know I have to let you go some time..

He said, that’s not very clear to me, but it’s enough to get me through the day tomorrow.

I was glad he didn’t ask more.. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve said.

Doing this twice in a month is painful. My heart is racing and I don’t know what to do. If this happens again, and I’m sure it will, I will die.

I wish I was less sensitive about it. If there’s nothing that’ll take my mind off of this, I’m gonna cry. 泣くよ。

~~~

Regarding “÷”, this is what I feel about it…

Harry found himself once more the best friend of two people who seemed unlikely ever to speak to each other again..

From Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling.

~~~

I felt there was something else I wanted to say, but now I can’t remember.

Flaunt at my face that you got roses for Valentine’s.

Jason - “Tooi Kono Machi de“, “Sore ga, Ai Deshou”

Marina - “Fa Ru Xue”, “Love is All I Need”, “Sincerely“, “dedicated to you”

Pei - “Hey! Say!”, “Ultra Music Power”, “Trans-winter ~Fuyu no Mukou gawa~“, “Tobira no Mukou“, “Kimi ni Aitakute”

Italic song titles: I either have to record them, or I have to work harder on them.

I found some good clips of Tohoshinki awhile back on Veoh that I had wanted to translate, but I never had the chance to go back and look for them. I remember, in one of the videos someone asked Tohonshinki, or was it Jaejoong in particular I don’t remember, if there was a name that they wanted to write into the Death Note, and they (or it could’ve been Jaejoong) were like, “No, there isn’t.” lool.

It’s easier to type with shorter nails.

In this three-week vacation, I’ve seen two drama series, a couple of movies and two seasons of How I Met Your Mother, read a truckload of Ron & Hermione fanfiction, recorded some songs, and had hated the cold at home because of its cathedral ceilings in the great room.

Endless-hope.net got suspended for a day or so, and there were a couple of hours when I was near-panic and thought, “Noo!!! I have nowhere to be emo and stupid now..!!!” And I almost went to post at Blogger but resisted ’cause I didn’t want the trouble of transferring posts back a forth when E-H.net came back up. I’m hope the site won’t be suspended again, we’ll see.

I need to apologize. I slept around 1:30 on Friday night, hoping that I would wake up early enough to go to Windsor. My bus was at 7:55am and I didn’t want to be late; in order for me to get to the border on time, I would have had to wake up at 6:55 at the latest because it took at least half an hour to get there. However, when I actually did get up at 7:00am, my dad couldn’t get up because he had slept at 5:30am. So I couldn’t get to Windsor. I feel bad that I couldn’t make it because many people (okay, it was really only one or two) were expecting me to show, but I feel even worse when I didn’t feel bad about it. I think I just stupidly contradicted myself. Again, I’m very sorry that it happened. And I also woke up Marina at 8:15 telling her that I couldn’t go. Jason, did you go?

I miss you guys. Hope your first day of school was good. Pei, how many times did you fall asleep in class..?

That was a really fun phone call. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been so open to someone on the phone, it felt good. Thank you.

We talked from 10:33pm to 1:10am, when my phone card ran out of money.